I didn't think I'd ever be sitting here and opening up the way I am about to open up. Elena honey, I write all intellectually to cover up the not so perfect parts of my life. I do it with the hope that somehow my intellectual way of putting things would overshadow what really is going on in my life. I'm opening up now without any flowery words or hard-to-understand phrases.

I love my father. I do. Two months ago, I found a bunch of messages in his inbox. Messages like "Honey I am here" and "Honey I miss you" and "Honey I'm waiting for you in the lobby" … And a "Why don't you come here now?" sent at 11pm from my fathers phone. Of course, there were a hell lot more messages which I wish not to disclose for I am too embarrassed. I never did tell anyone except Bee. And to tell you honestly, I didn't think anyone would understand. I don't think I could ever forget that day I read those messages. I felt like someone had just ripped my heart into a million pieces. I need to get this out of my system.

Bee, I am not as strong as I portray myself to be. Especially when it comes to matters of the heart. Especially when it has to do with my family. I remember that look on his face when I confronted him. I remember those eyes. I've never seen that look in his eyes. I begged him to lie to me. I told him to lie to me and tell me it's not true. All he did was stand there. He just stood there. Guilt turned into anger and anger into self pity. The day he left for Jakarta, he raised his hand and shouted at me "don't you ever touch my phone again!" … Bee got me to write to him an apology for not respecting his privacy and instead, he lashed back at me. Remember yang?

It's been two months. And I am sad to say he has not changed a bit. Not a single bit. Yes, I did find more messages. Mostly sent from Daddy to this woman. "I'm back in Jakarta, come let's meet up?" "I miss you" you know… Fuck. Now that I've got this out of my system, I need you to not judge me. Give me a man who will never cheat and I'll marry him. I feel scarred. Hasbee you wont do this to me kan? So yes, this is as open as Beth gets. I'll be fine. Eventually. Perhaps it's just one of life's lessons. Hold on to my hand tight ok Boo?